Let's not be ordinary ✐

2011-10-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

Silent siren

2011-10-08T01:12:00.006+08:00

My left ear was muted by the grey sweater on your shoulders. 'Oh, excuses excuses excuses.'

For i left a word cold and a sentence unattended while I harmonize the ruffles on your sleeve. It made you unhappy. Maybe my effort didn't work along well with my timing, Or maybe i was busy when you needed an answer the most. I didn't know where to keep my ears at or where to place my hands at after that. No where seems right, like i'm trying too hard to fit in a corner of the profound comfort. I am not asking someone to hold my hands from my knees , stroke my hair and tell me everything is alright. I just need some confidence and faith from .. you and your grey sweater. That i can cling on them again and if i missed out a word you uttered, you'll just let it run along with the wind.

We're all children, we all need approval.

Jean-Dominique Bauby said.

And I am sorry, i let myself on you and your grey sweater .

Occasionally silent because i was simply being comfortable with how you make me feel.

2011-09-08T23:02:00.003+08:00

在城市里大家似乎都在玩失踪

在碌途上所谓的擦肩而过

只不过是对忽略的一种冷默借口吧

我真的是那么忙吗？

Up in the air

2011-07-31T23:52:00.005+08:00

Up in the air with the clouds,

soon she'll be back on the ground.

With her morning elegance she wears.

She pours a daydream in a cup for breakfast

with a spoon of sugar for a sweet start.

No one likes to take a test,

sometimes we know more is less.

Weight pushing against her unlocked door,

stranded in a fog of words and thoughts.

On her head the space divides,

gulf stream through the open door.

Fly away.

Fly away to what you want to make.

The door whispered.

The truth still stays

and the new hopes begin.

祝，福

2011-07-12T12:03:00.000+08:00

在车里大家都没说话了

我想大家脑里是不是也一样安静的？

还是依然忙碌。

Girl with one eye

2011-06-15T01:22:00.008+08:00

As the unparallel street lights traveled by, along with the noise and the chintzy pop remix. i was still clear that i wasn't totally lost in the midst of this foreign ground though i could read none of the shadows on the pavement.

' i just don't know what i'm supposed to be.'
' You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.'

I came here to to look for hope, faith and assurance. And hopefully..
part of myself.

We'll see.

2011-03-06T13:18:00.004+08:00

Take care

I've been hurt before, too much time spend on closing doors

You may hate me, but i'll remember to love you

Goodbye, don't cry

you know why and it'll be just as quiet when i leave

as it was when i first got here

i don't expect anything

i dont' expect anything

all the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery

as they steal your best memories away

what if i was someone different in your only history

would you feel the same

as i walk out the door

rachael yamagata - quiet.

2011-03-02T00:49:00.002+08:00

It feels like a crime.

Being here writing feels like a crime too.

I'm never good enough, don't I?

2011-02-06T01:20:00.008+08:00

When i count to 1, transform yourself into a position with great responsiblities, everything must go right.

When i count to 2, distract all your thoughts away, stop your debate and go with whatever is decided.

When i count to 3, convince yourself what you just felt was wrong and eventually things will return to its original path u want it to stay.

When i count to 4, you be focused, make your presence and contribute please.

When i count to 5, inhale, exhale. You will be just fine. I thought you could handle it alone?

When i count to 6, you have to say goodbye to those comfort and familiarity that just brewed.

When i count to 7, close your eyes and take a break for only one second.

When i count to 8, keep your eyes open and you'll see what you have is already amazing.

When i count to 9, those dancing days are gone and get prepared for the next stage.

When i count to 10, impress me with a new brilliant idea.

Everyone expect something from you and I.

They want it, fast fast fast.

2011-01-08T23:52:00.006+08:00

Ive got so much distance left to achieve. ive got so much words left to say

I don't want to keep dipping my toes in the water.
I want to swim in the water

That is how i feel at the end of today.
One of those nights where my thoughts are left faraway from my dreams.

Goodnight.

2010-12-23T13:34:00.009+08:00

Now i have these new pretty shoes for the new year,
I am looking forward to everything better.

Finally bought a pair of oxford shoes that i've always wanted,
that is pretty and doesn't cost a bomb. Some things are really worth waiting.

2010-12-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

散

2010-11-10T00:04:00.005+08:00

I am in love with the color grey.
There is something about it that i can't explain
and i think it is perfect left undefined.

Probably because ive recently been in grey too.
Floating between shades of black and white,
the blank white truth and the sweet black dream.

Probably,
just probably,
why i am in love with the color grey.

2010-10-17T22:28:00.001+08:00

I don't feel like doing anything.

Nothing at all.

Nothing.

2010-09-10T03:05:00.020+08:00

Freedom has looked less constraint to me when i was a kid. No matter how much grown ups are entitled to get anything they want or desire, why does it seem more difficult to me now as an adult. Probably we have just grown more greedy and are eager to taste the series of choices and changes. No matter how hard you try, it doesn't feel good enough. I always tell myself to try and learn new things too because I might discover new passion, new routes in luck. But sometimes taking actions based on overwhelming enthusiasms makes me feel like an informal wannabe.

I am always asking this question-how would you ever know when to stop trying? Like do you experience some times when you are waiting for something or someone or even your food from the restaurant, as soon as you start complaining about how slow is it and is about to give up waiting, it comes soon right after. This is how i am afraid. What if you had tried so hard and didn't know that you had just stopped right before the moment hits you, left the restaurant before the food is going to arrive in another one minute and never visit the same restaurant again. You will never know for the rest of your life how delicious it may taste or how you might fall in love with their food, and just bluntly live on with a statement that the food sucks, with a statement you just made from what happened 5minutes ago. You will never know the truth of the what if possibilities. So tell me how much trying is ever enough to believe it is correct?

I question myself endlessly and analysis every possible situation in hand. And it kind of freak me out now, because sometimes it seems to me that i am zooming in one thing and neglecting the bigger picture in life. I wish I can live on with a better answer to assure my being. I won't want to live for ten years and only suddenly realise one day it's all wrong principles. I am not afraid of mistakes, I am not afraid of trying. I am afraid of time. Sometimes i also asked, why aren't i having more fun and take life less serious? Am I too obsessed with finding the right picture that i left the picture frame empty instead. Even too many possibilities scare me now, anything could happen while i yearn for better certainty, somewhere safe and comfortable.

So I did went out looking for answers and never left my zone. I am no good at understanding but I am good at standing ground. Some people get religion. Some people get the truth. I might never get the truth i want forever. But isn't it just a point of view at the end of the day?

I am afraid of crossing lines

I am afraid of flying blind

I let days go by

I always say goodbye

I watch the stars from my window sill

The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Right now, right now.

I am still finding my new interpretation

And i do really hope it is a better point of view

and being able to laugh and smile harder at life,

looking..

up,

down,

or even upside down.

2010-08-26T02:32:00.003+08:00

It feels like borrowing, because it could never belong to me.

2010-08-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

So i gathered up my courage to be able to feel faith again to mend the broken hopes,

with no expectation for a miracle to happen.

This is how it feels like now.

Being with myself has never felt so convincing.

I've got better plans in mind now than to think about love,

To be worn out by love, to be abused by emotions.

I want to live at my comfort zone until something or someone worth it to make me step out of the curtains.

I am excited

but scared at the same time.

To open the same doors to another person,

If he keeps the keys safe or fiddle with it and throw them into the deep drain

Im not ready for anything yet

Nothing feels right at all.

Just leave. Please.

2010-07-22T02:55:00.000+08:00

其实我在怕。

2010-07-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

Ten facts of July.

#1 My skin is still scaly and dry no matter how disciplined i've been slapping on coconut oil lotion every night. And that day, i swear i saw wrinkles on my hands. OMG, i am turning OLD from all the late nights.

# 2 i realize how much i like dragging the last letter while i type a sentence. I am addicted doing it on msnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ( Yes, just like this haha )

# 3 So many situations and questions in life still remain obscure and unspoken. Life is such a debate. And when i can't even figure out little problems i am facing, it makes me feel lousy. It is like stumbling upon definitions, but muse on ambiguity and mysteries. And uncertainty is another different story. I've never like how uncontrolled it is. I want to feel confident about picking up failures again.

#4 How can a stranger has so much effect on a person?

# 5 I get weird independent thoughts running non stop in my head on groggy early mornings. It gets pretty annoying because it makes my head feel heavy.

# 6 If you want communication, that's what you get. I'm talking and talking but i don't know how to connect. And i hold a record for being patient, with your kind of hesitation.

#7 I dreamt of a 'you' turning on our favorite song that made us fell in love at the first place.

#8 Is it better to be slow while enjoying the progress, or fast and stern, while both results will turn out the same? To choose between time and guilty pleasures, which would you? I chose the first one.

#9 I want to start appreciating all those jokes again.

#10 I am so broke. damn it. And i take things for granted. Double damn it.

2010-07-02T05:08:00.008+08:00

烟

现在嗅到会有种莫名的厌恶

联想到的都是一些不安一些陌生的熟悉感

我体会到了人的变化真的可以

很惊奇很不定

以前怕的怕久了就变成种习惯结果没那么怕了

以前讨厌的讨厌久了就变成种习惯结果没那么讨厌了

好像以前我觉得抽烟

很帅很有个性

不同人呼出的烟好像都在说着不同的故事

对人生有着格外的想法

现在看到烟却是种无奈

可能某天某日何时

我会再对烟有个不同的意见

可是我还是觉得抽烟带来的表情

很神秘很唯美

2010-06-26T22:43:00.003+08:00

tired and worn out. expected more from myself and from the outcome. I've never changed despite countless time of drowning into the same old muddy pool. I felt like I just presented myself naked on stage. I am tired in a useless way.

Am i a pessimist?

I did felt like hiding under the drains.

2010-06-05T00:19:00.005+08:00

The beginning of June, how keen to celebrate.

I build myself up and fly along a round about with incredible plans

While daydreaming, my heart drops and my back begins to tingle

And now I have no idea what is going wrong,

what is not tuning me into the right pitch

You know,

You have a power on me.

But who the hell are you or what are you?

Come,

find me, fight me.

I don't want to be mocked as a fool.

Come,

find me, fight me.

I want to sustain my pretty petty possibilities of happening hues.

2010-05-04T23:28:00.006+08:00

Cold in a summer breeze makes your knees bend and shiver,

running against the wind while trying to catch a breath

to rush home to play the cards on your deck.

Stitches in your frowned brows

and you don't know how you are going to get it out,

like a weak tree trunk bending and asking for help in a reckless storm.

Is it that difficult to get to where you want?

( photos of not mine )

2010-04-26T13:31:00.004+08:00

'Chewing gum was invented in New York City in 1870 by Thomas Adams', written behind the cap of my bottle of mango madness juice drink. I love glass bottles, they give you such fine, confirm grip than flimsy aluminum cans. While i chew on my third mouthful of tom yam bihun, my playlist was playing A fine frenzy singing to come on, come out, the weather is warm. The countdown calender to 26th July draws an attentive 60 days today. I would gladly volunteer in a merciful plea for more time if there is one because there seems to be an neverending list to properly prepare for the project i have been working on for the whole semester break.

Come on, come out, the weather is warm.

I fell in love with my home.

I am loving this temporary ease.

Don't worry, I will be out there soon.

Wait for me.

2010-04-21T23:17:00.008+08:00

never had luck in love

lucia

I have never had luck in love. When I mean luck in love, I mean luck with having a boyfriend. I have always had luck in love in friendship and family. People have always taken care of me; I have never been left alone with myself and all my feelings. Therefore, the fact that I never have had a boyfriend, have not bothered me. I’ve been filled with love from my family, and from all of my adorable friends. I know I am lucky. Not everybody live such a great life, with supporting family and friends. But lately, I’ve been feeling kind of empty. It’s like I’m longing for someone, it’s like my heart is screaming for something more. I feel embarrassed of this; because I really should be happy. But still, I can’t ignore the fact that I’m in a need for a boyfriend. There is so much that I want to do, so much that I’ve never had a chance of doing. Like kissing in different settings, falling to sleep with somebody’s arms around me, having thousands of tickling butterflies in the stomach, waking up with somebody starring at me, laughing cheerfully out loud when this somebody is being silly, walking hands in hands in the city and feel like you are the luckiest girl on planet, being teased with, and then getting forgive-me kisses, being told that you are beautiful, and tell it back, doing things that you never wanted to do, but you now want to do because he likes it, talking on the phone with him at late nights just to hear his voice, being understood and loved for being yourself, being told that you are the most important person in the world for him, and that nothing is ever going to change that.

I have so many things that I want to say and so many things that I want to do. But I can’t do anything. I don’t know this somebody, and I am afraid that I never will. I have waited so long for this somebody to come, so long that I have made him an unrealistic and fictional person. Boys like him don’t really exist. They are too good to be true. They are made up in messed up minds like mine, and the only time you will ever meet them, is when you fall asleep and drag them in to your dreams.

- ingrid

***

when your always the one that's alone

plastic_sfoonss

I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.

from http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/

written very nicely ; D

2010-04-17T13:14:00.001+08:00

69 days ❙ 10 hours ❙ 43 mins

2010-04-14T01:02:00.005+08:00

今晚，

莫名其妙的，

腦里的情景好像停留在

以前的我..

只有害怕

只有擔心

今晚，

敗給了自己

埋葬已久的不安

及寂寞

我不是鐵做的

我也需要安慰和肯定。

（photos of flickr)

2010-04-08T01:17:00.007+08:00

Last Thursday night after couching at starbucks for a brainstorming, i walked myself home with my laptop tucked securely near my chest. The shops in the mall were all closed by now and window shopping was peculiarly interesting at this hour. Each Mannequin dressed in their best, looked as if happily composed when the lights and heavy visitors are off. Its weird that I get goosebumps everytime i visit a busy venue after their activities and noise has subsided, but it is even more weird that i kind of liked it.

( from flickr )

Lazy confessions

2010-03-25T18:03:00.013+08:00

Hello. I've gone MIA. Blogging is getting more difficult to me, each time i start typing about anything merely a paragraph, it just get stuck there and i always give up half way. As if i got infected by some terrible verbal or literature constipation. I am becoming more cautious to what i preview to my surroundings, even puny insensitive thoughts make me feel that they need to be organized before posted. Or my self conscious to want to be perceived as a whole properly or simply not to be looked as a self involved fool. Like this picture i did and wanted to share in facebook at first, then took it off after like what..ten minutes.

It was a quick sketch and i photoshopped it a little to try a different approach on figure drawing i have always look forward to, fashion illustration. I quite like it myself, but then i get caught up like, whether my figure proportions are right, or there should be some visibility in the other eye, or the shading for the hair roots near the head and ears are too harsh, and so and so. I think that it is when art to me turn into something very serious, very technical based. Especially when you are in an art school, you feel that great illustration work that appeals to a large audience would be those with full of skills, details and effort. Afraid to get bad dejected feedbacks like,'' eh her work also not nice, still want post post, ewe.'' or '' i also can do that larh !'' When what you used to do leisurely and recklessly as a hobby, makes you think twice, thrice now.Few friends used to tell me to be more confident in my own work and just go ahead with better intuition in whatever I do. I care too much about public assurance. Come to think about it, it is true. Indie bands or singers may not make it to an enormous crowd, but i personally think that they are awesome and when i youtube them, they only have less than a million viewed numbers. But who cares, they do gigs and they don't give a damn because they are enjoying themselves with what they like to do best eh.

Another thing is, i get sore more quickly now than before when i could not figure out something or get impatient with scrambling situations. The hopes to be better each day made me more careful and stiff in person, which i start to despise now. I guess this is the stage when i start thinking much more besides the food and party i consume, the clothes i wear everyday and the people who held conversation with me, or my daily routine of pee and poo, because twenty is no longer a forgivable age. Well, I do still get infected by minor or major conflicts and rumors in life. I will be trying my best not to be bothered to be dragged into that synchronized bumpy pathway with them heartbreakers.

Let us see how it all turns out.

: )

Need to start gathering back my earings, they are always missing boo.

I think this is quite interesting, the water stain on my room curtain ;p

And a free plaster i found in my drawer for an accidental bloody scratch on me knee cap. I think it should be a smiley face instead, they are supposed to make people feel better yo !

2010-03-14T13:30:00.003+08:00

Can't wait to do more print making !

Marching in and out.

2010-03-09T03:28:00.005+08:00

As I packed my pencils safely into my three years old pencil case, as i woke up feeling miserable of the previous useless late night, as i envied at how some people my age are already doing things i dig and love, as i questioned the absurdity i desire, as i laid across my pale green bed rummaging for a sense of absolute validity, as i watched my parents still making an effort to spare family time, as i apologized for my absence in various meetings with the friends, as i studied the details of the perfectly framed pictures on the walls of the gallery, as i participated heart-to-heart talks on the highest car park of the building, as i wondered on familiar strangers i bump into occasionally, as i get driven by fashion illustration, as i kept my fingers tightly crossed for a july event, as i sneered at myself for keep forgetting to buy new body shampoo for myself, as i hated myself for being ignorant, as i get irritated at an old fee i still owe, as i typed this and wants to pee so desperately...

They are strangely occurring to me.

March is marching in so soon.

How can i possibly resist anything of gold and black?

My toes can speak French now

2010-03-02T19:05:00.001+08:00

The coffee brewers giggled at their private conversation. People who sat alone, were so drawn into their laptops and their relationship with the internet. I took tentative sips of my blended drink with only one straw, stopped my work and looked around again. Time has never hit me this strong before. Suddenly you feel the urgency to already achieved or done something big at this tender adult age. When the rigid compulsion to realize the long ago buried enthusiasms comes by, you feel like it is time. Finally time, time to slap yourself to wake up.

The lady who did my french pedicure hurted my toe and made it bleed . boo

Summer skin

2010-02-20T21:54:00.013+08:00

The concealer for every matter.

The impactful twist that may never be announced forever.

The ignorance and shallows of theirs.

The hardness of trust.

The ironic in ugly selfish cynical people trying to protect themselves.

The thrust of trust that can turn picture perfect to rubbles.

The fears and insecurities to vanquish.

The fast fuse of impossiblities,

The lessons and chapters of life number one, two and three...

(chaijian is my cute kelefeh behind ;p )

Fork them all,

boohoos to who tried to bring me down,

to whoever who is happy to see someone fall and fail.

Life's too short to cry over expiry dates

and the experts of making masks in life : )

p.s. Dear seven girls of six a.m. today, i wuv u all.

bleh.

2010-02-18T00:32:00.007+08:00

What i've been up to this week, this chinese new year

Gobbled lots of heavy good meals and snacks.

(Urgently need to exercise soon, thank you very much, food. )

This year's a bit different because we didn't go back to my dad's kampung and stayed at KL. Visited my mom's side relatives and my dad's friends. They have very pretty and enormous houses like villas. This one below, 20 million. 0.0

Celebrated my third brother's 25th birthday

And of course, lingered at home.

lol.

Not nice to end with a number four, so for number five

...

I can't wait to make my plans real, there's so much i wanna do this year. : )

Goodnight.

2010-02-15T19:20:00.007+08:00

Dear beloved friends and anonymous,

I know that hardly any of you reads my blog anymore, supersobs.

I sincerely apologize for my lack of updating and of interesting contents.

So for those who still stays to read sharpenerasers in this new year,

here's a picture as a tribute to all of you.

The underneath of my tongue,

exclusively for you.

sharpenerasers love you.

not everyday u get the chances of seeing the underneath of me tongue you know.

( if you know me well enough, this is just another excuse to display a vanity photo)

HAHAHAHA.

Ampang joke.

Happy Chinese New Year Lah !

im bored. : )

2010-02-11T02:57:00.005+08:00

You suck.

goodnight. : )

p.s. People can get away from their crime so easily these days.

2010-01-31T21:17:00.004+08:00

My January vibes

My second sister in law gave birth to this cute little baby ♥ It almost feels surreal to witness a new phrase in life for them, and also yourself. I always need time to get used to certain new blessings. It looks like she is imagining herself playing the piano in the last picture. haha.

#2 Happy Birthdays to Chong Wai Mun, Pang Yuen Cheng and Yvonne Chew : )

#3 Tried event shooting for the first time, was so lost at first because i didn't know what subject to shoot.What's even worse is my left contact lens lost and i have to shoot with a slightly blur double V 唇 (vision) lol. But it got better after a while.

er. My hair grew? haha , happiness.

Frequent visits to shopping malls and first time to the rooftop. Had beer, usual and new yamcha companions and gatherings . Stared at the moon and took silly pictures. Bought a book of my favorite SagSag (stefan sagmeister) and a jacket that made me half broke now. Start working out at the gym and eat veggie delite subways (but still took snacks,dies). Worked harder and also slacked a lot. Watched recommended movies and Dvds. Looked for buttons and orgasmic studs and is looking forward for the possibilities. Im hugging them to sleep tonight to find some inspirations lol.

I think that pretty much sums up to my January.

: )

p.s. As we watch the moon glazed through the thin clouds with emphatic

in the dark plain sky. i loved how it was showing up tonight,

not hiding under the cloud crowd,or half bared.

it is in whole tonight, clear and defined.

Honest and defined.

2010-01-23T23:58:00.004+08:00

We've all been taught so what to expect from life, the seen before story plots, the odds that surprises you, the complications to getting simple. The part to swirl around and going through numeral phases until you find yourself going back to where you started, I hate it most. It may just end there, or it may start all over again. That's the confusing part of life, when is it ever right to stop and never search again. And at the same time, if we didn't went through all the hard ships, how will we ever know whether or not we're finally on the right track. Yes, we were taught so. There is an ending line for every journey.

So, when again, do we really stop and just living up to what it is?

2010-01-20T21:10:00.002+08:00

As I feed on the last bite of veggie sandwich, i felt a dull tinge stinging.

The room was so still, like someone suddenly hit the mute button.

2010-01-20T01:08:00.011+08:00

Love these pictures,

so dreamy and gentle.

Anyone want to run in the woods for me?

, I thought i love Laura Ward so much after looking at her photos for wildfox,

until i found Ellen Von Unwerth's work.

Love how she simply captures femininity even better.

ah. 100 percent awesomeness.

ah. love love love.

2010-01-18T23:12:00.003+08:00

WARNING !

orgasmic content ahead.

omg. too sexy until nose bleed larh.

babies , come to mama T.T

2010-01-18T19:24:00.004+08:00

once.

2010-01-17T03:42:00.006+08:00

I stretched my busy legs as i reached the sofa and placed my toes on top of each other. I rubbed them to make them warm. It was cold outside but the wind was pretty enticing. The radio was playing soft and soothing oldies. There was a large christmas tree next to the sofa with gorgeous green and red shinny ornaments on it. They reflected the colors around the room and i thought i also saw the colors of the happy faces around me. It was christmas day. I was at somewhere new. Somehow i was contented in a very funny way as i watch the people enjoying themselves and how the time suddenly seem calm and paused.

2010-01-15T00:58:00.012+08:00

Like countless giant rain drops pelting on concrete rooftops. Those past events becoming louder and clearer, has now drenched me out of my oblivious senses. It is indeed very disappointing and upsetting how people can walk in and out of another's life so easily, love and leave so easily, like nothing was ever shared, nothing is worth remembering or fixing up. And the lies to cover up their ugly truth.

i just watched this movie this afternoon. And if u were given a chance to erase the memory u have of or with this particular person, would you take up that offer too?

Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.

(Jim Carrey as Joel said to Kate Winslet as Clementine when they both lay across the frozen lake.)

And my favourite line when they had a fight because Clementine was the one who took up the wipeout memory session first.

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.

Joel: That's what I love about you.

2010-01-10T18:50:00.004+08:00

(my cousin's barbie doll collection)

I am ready,

for your truth.

2010-01-03T18:04:00.008+08:00

Im back to Malaysia !

Finished some unpacking then later more packing again for tomorrow zz.

Going back to sunway, to college, the old hectic routine of late nights and last minute rushings again. But i believe it will be better this semester with only 3 subjects. 2nd year 3rd sem for year 2010, turning 20 years old soon. Feel so old of myself all of a sudden ahas. For 2009, so much has happened and changed, it still keeps me at awe of how all these events sum up to how i am and feel about various things in life today. Some of them are so ruthless, the truth in everything u find different from the beginning surface, the faulted expectations planted. They did taught me a lot of my mistakes aside from the hard tears and pain notches. As for the beautiful ones, it will always stay within. The ugly turnover is some of them are to be let go because not a jot remains for you no matter how hard you hold on and polish it. One of my new year resolution will be living life more at its lighter side and improve on my overall being. haha

Anyway, the skies in australia were brilliant. If only we have those in malaysia and the big fat green botanical garden that stretches near the cities. They are all without any photoshop.

the view from the airplane.

at 8-ish in the evening

As time goes by, we really do see and understand things so much clearer.

For now,

When you have your family and friends along the way

everything feels so much better and right in place.

♥

p.s. i want meet up with my welovetilwedie kaki(s).

2009-12-22T18:33:00.005+08:00

harrow sekalian.

i want to watch Avatar so much much. I've been slacking at home today and love diggin in the eye yoke of my cold lunch yum yum. I am doing last minute packing now but my efficiency rate super low how how. I still need to go lowyat to get a new camera bag later because mine is tearing apart boo boo. Im flying off tomorrow to see the kangaroos and will be back on 3rd jan bye bye. My head gets clearer while my sleep is disturbed by bad dreams yay yay. My tummy is getting bulky, so not sexy sobs sobs. i know you want to slap me now la la ha ha ha ha ha ha.

continue with my packing zz zz.

2009-12-13T03:07:00.002+08:00

他忘了。

他原本準備在森林里挖一個洞

埋葬所有的夢。

可是他卻不小心睡著，

讓夢全都溜走了。

— 幾米

2009-12-11T01:40:00.007+08:00

過去了的十號晚安

第十天的距離早安

累，

得值得嗎？

2009-12-08T04:06:00.003+08:00

After dinner, the rain was still pouring, in its usual slanting manner.

The rough street now looked calm and trained

The breeze was mild and slow.

It felt nice at first until it was getting cold,

and for a while,

i hated it a lot.

especially when the breeze hit me on my skin,

it reminds me of more than just rain.

It reminds me of such familiar feeling.

2009-12-07T00:23:00.004+08:00

做功課累了回到家想睡覺一下

閉上眼睛時腦子里卻亂得很

習慣了.

這次拿起了手機想自拍

因為好像一陣子沒有這樣的時間了哈

結果

一張照片也不滿意

覺得自己真的好像老了

很久沒有好好照顧自己了..

2009-12-05T12:49:00.021+08:00

Photoshooting of Milkos for photography finals with winloon and ronnie

yesterday night at andrew's crib with kahern's help for asking.

and also thanks to Junyuen for offering help.

infinity thanks to each of them for making it happen for me ,

couldn't have done it myself,

loves !

all the pictures file too big,

my laptop out of space to import ady

bahhh.

milkos nailed it :)

sneak preview first only haha

***

If i laugh,

it doesn't mean that

i've look past our current state

or i'm happy with things this way

i'm just trying to be matured as i can be because i need to move on no matter what.

And these things around me can give

me a momentary break from the heartache.

If i talk to you, it doesn't mean that i'm not hurt inside.

i'm just giving everything a chance,

hoping for you to talk to

me and smile to me like you used to.

the burden i wanted to lessen initially by paying,

you got it the wrong way,

and my explanations did no mercy.

u know i stil owe my mum for the present money

If you don't find my messages anymore,

it doesn't mean i've gave up on us

i'm stil gripping on strongly to faith and realisations

i'm just being understanding for you

because you feel that i am a burden

so i am keeping a distance

but my heart for you was never

an inch further than it was before.

I've never left

and i will never leave

until time points a knife at me.

i miss you.

***

p.s. Lover not a fighter,

i'm not one either.

2009-12-03T22:53:00.005+08:00

To get into place,

from here

to there

2009-11-30T00:09:00.002+08:00

又是張

有點紅的照片

可能最近我走紅了哈哈

對不起一點都不好笑

2009-11-28T03:48:00.005+08:00

red and never ending

dangerous and loud

changes need to be urgently done

so that serenity will come nicely

and as long as can be.

inconsiderate,

so where is the understanding i have to give

gushed with various realisation and mashed emotions

that is when i lost grip of myself and other important matters.

hope someone quickly burn them away.

wait,

aren't i the one holding the lighter now?

anytime i want them to be over with.

i am in control.

so why am i still waiting and walking

round and round and round.

2009-11-24T00:52:00.001+08:00

pretty, aren't they?

2009-11-15T11:37:00.007+08:00

The worst thing to wake up to a morning is when you have nothing to look forward to.

It isn't like you do not have anything in your list to do.

in fact there are a lot waiting to be done.

But you feel like escaping from all the responsibilities,

because when people that matter most in your life are turning their back away from you

You don't feel the motivation, the catalyst that makes you excited for a new day every morning.

You just feel like staying in bed whole day long,

two days, three days... as long as it can serve you.

because when you sleep,

you ..

feel less,

think less,

worry less,

but when you wake up to nothingness,

it is still the same.

The same old torn feeling.

I need them to understand me.

And you,

to hold me and

walk through this with me.

i'm afraid i might crumble.

2009-11-08T14:38:00.006+08:00

Lols. The guys trying to imitate each of us in the picture.

wtfatadylarhme.

At Marie's house after her belated birthday dinner ♥

polaroid is love. Thankiu barbie hutan ♥

p.s. abby and jiyang missing. fast fast come back !

orgasm.

T-T

so sexy lorh.

2009-11-04T21:30:00.009+08:00

Thank you Sha Kah Ern, my lovely cousin lol

for bearing with the drizzling rain that evening

And accommodated to my last minute photo shoot to redo my frozen assignment : )

More pictures soon? but noise kao kao.

I owe so many people pictures now ehehehehe.

2009-10-31T23:32:00.012+08:00

SATURDAY,

a ludicrous scene to take part

an intended picture to surprise

a task,

many many tasks

and new responsibilities to be brave

even if it is nothing big compared to yours,

but to me it might be something potentially definable,

of the being and achieves.

if some things could just follow our way,

and we could blindfold the traffic lights on the way..

And stop waiting.

we should not have written our names here

but on the walls,

instilled until the last crumb of brick break.

p.s. Your boxy toes are cute,

they move a lot while u sleep.

太多了嗎？

有時真的很不知所措

2009-10-26T00:54:00.007+08:00

Life lately has been sweet and tough on me.

But i would conclude it as an overall sweet one, hah! : )

College,

has been feeling incapable and helpless at times with assignments,

like why i am still so below the standards i will.

There is always this point when i go round and round,

just revolving around that circle of my limitation that isn't getting any much bigger by time.

and when u look at your current and old work, it is indeed discouraging.

I just have to keep trying harder. bahhhhh.

Besides that, i'm contented with everything else

my family, friends and the barbie hutang

more than lucky to have them ♥

Sorry if i've not been anticipative to you,

in anything .. like

missing out birthdays wishes, outings, and goes on.

Im getting old and so forgetful, ignorant?

so unaware of my surroundings that i often find myself asking the stupidest questions

so sensitive at the same time that i fuss and cry over the most wee matters

what nuisance, that makes me want to air slap myself 20 times every time it happens.

heh zzz.

Really, i always still feel myself blessed.

Like YuenCheng keep emphasizing lol.

2009 is sure a good year, she don't want it to come to an end that quick.

Yes, ups and downs.

But we did go through it after all and realized a handful.

my girlsss, i know you all each have problems now,

but again, we all can walk through them like we did right : )

btw,

im here bcos my tablet and photoshop are failing on me once again,

Very the tormenting me lorh.

i not kid, it is that frustrating that it slows u down.

wakakakaka.

i dont know.

im happy and frustrated at the same time now again.

IM SO WEIRD .____.

byebye.

2009-10-21T00:04:00.003+08:00

very tulan with photoshop

been crashing for nearly 20times already

it's killing me bahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2009-10-14T00:42:00.006+08:00

Photo shooting of Ms. Carrie baby today at Putrajaya with Mr. Chris On and also bigbig thanks to Mr. Yippie Lai

tiredness but learnt alot with the two sifus

: )

2009-10-10T21:19:00.013+08:00

Happy 3 months Stitch Chong♥

Still love watching you secretly when you don't notice

lalala*hide behind ur big pigu*

watching you when you sleep and start snoring hehe.

watching you get annoyed when i don't take good care of myself

watching your left side face when you drive

watching you make that retarded squirrel face when u lame joke :p

watching you sing and how you squint your eyes when you hit for a high note

watching you while you're at the opposite seat of the table, working or eating.

watching you laugh when u do your tickle kungfu

and yes, they make me go-oh-so crazy.

watching you hold your camera so passionately and attentively

and more...

And of course,

with you,

i want to watch

the many more days,months, years of ours to come.

: )

finally,

before i end this post,

nah seee laaa.

who ask you dunwant to take pictures with me more frequentlyyyy

i post these kind of shots nextime >;D

lalala muhahaha (thanks to jo for the picture lol)

babi hutan rocks.

p.s

you know that i could use somebody.

someone like you.

2009-10-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a hot glaring day.

Today it rained and wet our fabric.

Hot and cold.

Hot then cold.

Catching a cold

and feeling cold right now.

2009-10-04T17:43:00.022+08:00

HELLO !

finally some updates from me

hee hee: D

my weekend was great.

Cousin's wedding at hometown,

Triang, Pahang

Very very lovely new weds : )

and another two more this coming November and December.

More family fatherings ,yayness !

So happened, it was my grandparents' anniversary on 3rd October as well

Their 61th.

When we asked them to kiss

Ah Gong got so shy when Ah Ma tried to give him a soft peck on his cheek

awwwwww

Look at them laughing so happily : )

So Kahern, Yeevonne, KahYen and I decided to give them a present

hahahaha

we monkey around when we caught them resting at the living room during the afternoon

and took turns posing for the picture ; p

Ah.and now back home

with another week of assignments again bahhhh.

even this post is written in a bit of rush.

JIAYOU !

haha

our favourite cousin, as kahern quoted.

fatty armpits !

yerh.nobody miss me for bloggin so lil meh?

; p

2009-09-27T14:35:00.003+08:00

i somehow like this picture, how it turns out accidentally.

and

i'll be back soon ; )

There's a lot to do.

2009-09-12T12:41:00.001+08:00

An afternoon like this,

i wished 'yesterday' is a future tense.

It is scary when i let myself become ugly when I'm hungry.

2009-09-03T06:56:00.000+08:00

我又再次敗給了自己

每次太關心，太在意

就會想很多，情緒很多

過後回頭看自己的時候

已經太衝動了..

反而把問題弄複雜了

2009-09-03T00:57:00.006+08:00

酒量變得好一些了

其實看起來也不是件好事

想把自己灌醉得甚麼也不用想的

也有點矛盾，遲鈍...

...我又打多了個耳洞

要壞蛋一下

la la la

2009-09-01T03:27:00.007+08:00

Coiling my hair with my thumb and index finger,

yawning on my bed and my fat left cheek is wet now.

I moved my radio from my room into the toilet so that when i sing,

nobody could hear it if i turn it on loud enough.

But it doesn't quite make the difference you see

because my toilet is in my room?

Like shutting your eyes and tell yourself pretendedly that the person can't see you?

We always know that although it won't make such a difference

but we will still go for the little changes or actions,

just so to make ourselves feel safer,

with all these make up assumptions.

It sure is comforting,

or is it just a hide out from getting hurt by the truth for the moment?

p.s. the header i fast fast cincau do wan,

cos bored of the previous one ady.

'u' actually stands for underconstruction?

u-rated?

a magnet?

C and J together?

LOLS

i dunno man.

also dunno why the left side cacat.

o.o

I want you here so much.

so much.

2009-08-26T21:17:00.002+08:00

I found this rock while i was picking up dried ants from the car porch this afternoon.

ey, Really got wan you know.

I've so far collected 86.5 of them.

(I accidentally broke one of them into half while transferring it into the transparent tube. )

Really tiny ones and some big ones.

The biggest one i got so far is around 1.6cm.

anyway,

What makes me more happyclapyflappy

was

this !!!

check out the details in it dude !

those curly flakes

AWESOME MUCH EH?

i let it dry at my toilet now.

See whether anything happens tomorrow.

.......

pretend to laugh a bit of fall for it a bit larhh : (

since i've always been blogging bout anonymous and dull stuff recently

all down down only.

so lame a bit ? heh ; p

Just a rose scented soap mummy monster asked me to use

because i still have those unknown red spots hanging around my shoulders.

Bahhhhhh.

2009-08-24T00:30:00.019+08:00

There is so much to learn.

and so much to decompose.

i want to taste a lime and vanilla popsicle by the beach again..

with the salty sea breeze moving pass,

when they meet in your mouth.

Ah,I like that queer taste.

2009-08-21T01:14:00.002+08:00

Watch a good ol' movie.

Meet up a good ol' friend.

Read a good ol' book.

Visit a good ol' place

Sing a good ol' song

Play a good ol' game

Oh,

The distraction,

from the distance.

from feeling old yourself.

2009-08-19T01:20:00.014+08:00

The disgust in those disguised eyes is synchronized and reflecting into hers.

You held your victim under a spell

with a knife in the shape of your mouth,

or even your silence.

until wounds and stitches can only heal with disgrace

because from what people believe, they are healing wrong

perhaps you make them think likewise, or maybe they heard something elsewhere.

But let's just believe the one we want to believe.

Belief ,

make things right.

make things wrong.

Belief,

about things like you and her.

will ease away and find their way back.

She will wear masking tape at her ears and mouth

and yell her dissatisfaction from the highest rooftops.

even though no one could possible hear her.

she arrested her rights.

and prefer to let peace stay

You should understand.

You were once there, at the exact position,

with your footsteps still smelling fresh and hot.

You should speak out so that she knows it

Everything feels so so good after confessing and talking over it,

Getting things settled,

like how i just got one done just now.

That feeling is still hanging in there..

so so good.

Sweet and low she stay.

What else can she do aye ?

You tell her.

We all just want a better picture out of everything.

p.s. i miss chris bird hugs.

2009-08-16T00:36:00.014+08:00

My Ampang room is in a mess from the luggage of a 3 weeks college break.

Scattered into trails leading from the entrance to the toilet,

never bothered cleaning up yet.

Wearing my big loose pink T with patches of irremovable fabric paint on it

blue and yellow,

they are.

Don't know why i am still wearing it,

never bothered throwing it away.

In fact i pretty adore the idea of wearing accidental paint marks to sleep,

on my clothes or even on my fingers.

Some sort of comfort to snug on familiarity.

Some sort of comfort

like how Chrispy, he snug me in his arms.

okayyy lah.. or maybe me snugging u.

lalala

Chris Chong Yi Fui,

you don't eat too much ba hu(chicken floss) with Lulu at K.Kinabalu ah

or not i cut your kuku bulu.

WTF big big.but kinda rhymes ma not meh

hahaha.

3weeks minus 1 day left

p.s. Ah. So now you know xp